Halloween Candy, Ranked

I might be a little biased, but I’ll try to be fair.

As most of you know, my guts are broken. I can still eat a few types of candy, but none appear on this list, as they're not the kind of candies people give out on Halloween. (If somebody gave you a handful of these, you'd immediately egg their house, am I right?) I'm going by memory here, as I haven't eaten chocolate in years. But I am nothing if not opinionated, so I will do my best to rank these candies on a scale of one to ten jack o'lanterns, with one being worst and ten being the absolute best.

Reece's Peanut Butter Cups

I'm pretty sure these are illegal now due to all those kids with peanut allergies? But I think they're good. I mean, I used to eat these dark chocolate and sunflower seed butter Trader Joe's knock-offs, and if TJs is knocking off a product, you know it's pretty good. So I'd give Reece's Peanut Butter Cups a solid 6.5 out of 10 jack o'lanterns, unlike candy corn, which is the candy equivalent of rabid wolverine droppings. (I'd give the knock-offs an 8 out of 10 if I'm being honest.)

Milky Way Midnight

You've hit the jackpot if you find one of these elusive devils in your candy haul. Although they're dark chocolate, they're not bitter, and I don't know what the hell nougat is, but it's delicious. This is gonna stick to your teeth and ruin them, and you will regret nothing, unlike eating candy corn, which will ruin your teeth and taste like radioactive garbage. At least make your bodily damage count for something pleasant. I rate this one 9 out of 10 jack o'lanterns.

SweeTARTS

Do they still make these? And if so, why? I can't imagine a candy that tastes more like an antacid. Unlike an antacid, this candy has no utility in its chalky and disgusting state. Still, it's better to have SweeTARTS than candy corn, which is an abomination. I give SweeTARTS a reluctant 2 out of 10 jack o'lanterns.

Twix

Perhaps it's controversial to say so, but the correct way to eat a Twix is to scrape all the caramel off with your teeth, then eat the cookie beneath. (Scaping off the rest of the chocolate is an optional step.) That being said, it can feel like an awful lot of work when you're in a hurry. So, despite its inherent deliciousness, I can only give Twix 7.5 out of 10 jack o'lanterns. We do live in busy times. We also live in a time when candy corn is still available, despite the sheer injustice of it. Ban candy corn. It's filth. 

Almond Joy

Look, this candy already has "joy" in its name, so you know it's a crowd-pleaser. Chocolate, coconut, almonds -- are these not the rudimentary components of candy bliss? The downfall of the miniature, individually wrapped version is its fragile nature, though. Unlike the full-size candy bar version, the little ones have no protective paperboard sheath to shield them from the vicissitudes of rough handling, so they often get squished in a Halloween candy haul. But smushing doesn't affect flavor, so Almond Joy still gets a respectable 7 out of 10 jack o'lanterns. Simply stated: Candy corn cannot compare and should die in a fire.

Kit Kat

There is no better candy in the universe. On a scale from candy corn to infinity, Kit Kat scores a delicious 10 out of 10 jack o'lanterns. Actually, that scale isn't fair. Candy corn would have a negative value, so it couldn't be accurately represented on the scale at all. The existence of candy corn is a blight on the entire world. It tastes like an unholy saccharine nothingness and doesn't even have the decency to look like corn! Candy corn may be a defilement on the concept of candy, but actual corn is delicious, and its kernels are not triangular. Don't bring corn into this; it is an innocent party.

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