What does a girl have to do to get murdered around here, anyway? I’ve tried everything.
Okay, I understand playing hard to get, but what will it take to get this undead madman to finally hack me into tiny little bits? I come to this stupid summer camp every Friday the 13th, regardless of the season, but I never get what I want.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve venerated his empty grave. I’ve desecrated his empty grave. I buried a drifter in his empty grave. Nada. I’ve brought friends and enemies with me to camp. I’ve done all the stuff that’s supposed to get you killed in these situations: Sex, kinky sex, drugs, kinky drugs, being a bitch, being super nice, being bitchily nice, being kinkily nice. Nothing works. I prance around in my most revealing jeans shorts (a special torture in January, believe me), but I just can’t seem to catch this monster’s eye.
Oh, sure. He’ll kill my friends, my enemies, even my frenemies -- but I practically throw myself in front of his machete, and he can’t seal the deal? Why can’t he just see me as the empty meat husk begging for death that I really am?? There’s no way that I’m too wholesome to be murdered at this point.
So this is my ultimatum: Either this insane butcher slashes me into horrifying bloody chunks this year, or I’m done. I’m going to find a monster who appreciates me -- the real me, dead drifters and all -- and gives me the spatter-y, cinematic death I’ve always dreamed about. I deserve that.
👏👏👏