my predictions for 2023
These are at least as accurate as anything The Stupendous Yappi foresaw.
I spared you, dear readers, from a trite and commonplace dissection of 2022 last month, but I’m afraid that my well-hidden psychic powers have been twitching, and I cannot spare you from these baffling and insane prognostications for 2023. I pray for your forgiveness (in advance).
Here are seven things I see coming in the new year:
A Speaker of the House will finally be elected on January 13th, but it will create a brand new crisis, as the new Speaker will be fictional, possibly a cartoon character.
In late January, Homeland Security will unveil a new subagency called the Apparel Administration, which is literally the fashion police. Protests will break out in various cities but quickly die down as sartorial infractions won’t generate jail time or fines, and public shaming turns out to be ineffective as a tactic for changing people’s wardrobes. The agency is disbanded within days of its unveiling, just in time for New York Fashion Week.
Taylor Swift will, I don’t know, do something? That either pleases or angers her fans. Did she already do something this year? I have no idea. This one is a gimme to bolster my track record.
The “marketcore” aesthetic will sweep TikTok in mid-April as popular posters dress in 1980s power suits, brag about their new Wall Street job titles, and obsess over the exact specifications of business cards. People who reference the phrase “murders and executions” in comments get banned from the platform. Millennials hear about it two weeks later on Instagram and start worrying that clothes will have giant shoulder pads in them from now on.
A cryptozoologist will capture a Fresno Nightcrawler in late October and make it put on some pants.
Folks hoping for alien disclosure from the US government will be both vindicated and disappointed in December when it is revealed that the military has been studying a captured extraterrestrial in Area 51 for many years. The alien’s name sounds like “Barry Manilow” (which never stops amusing his captors), and they never reveal any actionable intelligence regarding their origin or species. They became stranded on Earth when they fell asleep waiting for the space equivalent of a AAA tow truck and missed their flight home. The revelation is fairly underwhelming and only briefly dominates the news cycle, though Barry enjoys their brief time in the spotlight.
Finally, tiring of goblin mode, the internet will embrace Goblin King mode in 2023. Say goodbye to sweatpants and self-indulgence, and say hello to tight pants and self-indulgence with magical mazes and puppets!
There you have it -- my expert predictions. Happy New Year!
Goblin King Mode ✨👑🔥