It’s pollen season again. You know what that means, right? Yeah, plant spunk is making all of us sneeze. Okay, I’m sex-positive and all that, but seriously, can you trees take it inside for a change? Can the flowers maybe do it in private? I have a thick, yellow coating of tree jizz all over my car, and like, that can’t be hygienic.
C’mon, plants, I don’t mean to be a prude, but does it have to be the summer of love every spring out here? Won’t someone think of the children? The children’s noses won’t stop running. Their eyes are itchy. They’re sniffly and miserable, and they want to go outside and play, but no, all of this perverted vegetation is too busy doing seasonal exhibitionism.
Look, I know you plants want to propagate your species, and thanks to climate change, that’s getting tougher, so there’s a desperate edge to all of this pollen. But also, I can’t breathe, and I’m already on two allergy meds. Something’s got to give.
So maybe give it rest with all the plant sex. Or like, maybe rent a room and take the orgy indoors, so the rest of us can enjoy the weather before it’s 105F and full humidity again.
(Special call out to oak trees: YOU’RE THE WORST. Ugh.)
The Update
I wrote about living well within limitations for A Little Better.
Prediction: Jon Batiste is gonna EGOT one of these days. He’s already got the O and 5 Gs, so somebody needs to give him an excuse to write a Broadway musical. (The Emmy is a gimme, eventually.) Here’s a fun track.
The only goblin mode I want to see is Goblin King mode. (Sure, you subscribe for the weird plant sex jokes, but you really stay for the endless Labyrinth references. Right?)
I am finally going to buckle down and learn to use the fucking Instant Pot I bought last year if it kills me. Which it might if I do it wrong and it explodes. 😨🙃
Check out these ancient pants!
We’re about to enter a pretty stressful period chez Crowder-Chan, so apologies in advance if my hot mess turns into a boiling mess for a little while. Don’t worry, though. There will be extra newsletters later if the publishing schedule goes kablooey. We’ll see how it shakes out. Okay, bye!